Things are better

Sorry about the emo post earlier this week. Although I'm loving the changes in job and location, I'm continuing to deal with some of my other issues. For instance, I've long struggled with self-esteem and never feeling like being myself is enough. Yes, in many ways I'm a perfectionist, which is interesting to me because neither of my parents are one. I think that many times I want to be the best, but after all my trying and striving, I fall short even though I still do well.

I'm really trying to let my heart be bare and open here and not the "perfect" blog girl. I've written about it before, but I've struggled with my weight for a long time, as in most of my life. I continue to struggle as I have metabolism issues (PCOS if you want to be specific). Right now I want to date but I don't feel pretty, just fat. It doesn't help that when I calculate by BMI I fall into the obese category. It's weird to me that I can wear medium sized clothing but still be obese.

Since I started my new job, my co-workers have been very open about complimenting me about appearance-related things. I've never experienced this before and that's part of the reason my emotions are in turmoil. Part of me thinks I won't ever believe them until a guy (that I'm interested in) says the same. I know this is wrong, but it's the way my twisted mind works. Physical beauty isn't where it's all at and I know this but sometimes when you're passed over yet again by the guy you like, it wears on you.

Thanks for letting me pour out my heart. Know that I would appreciate prayers, good vibes, positive thoughts in this struggle.